A Single Dad's Lesson

by DP Gates

 We all have defining moments which forever alter our lives by shifting our thoughts, feelings,

 And actions in a new direction. Sometimes those moments look like natural disasters! And then, eventually, we see that everything took place in perfect harmony with the Law of Attraction. 

I’d have to admit that my life was on a pretty comfortable track about three years ago. I was cruising along in that in-between world of no longer being the high school jock or college kid, but not yet ready to be a full-fledged grown-up, either. I always had the heart of an entrepreneur and had tried a few things and experienced some success mixed with equal parts of failure with the attempts I had made at building a home-based business. But that was okay, because I knew that I’d do something extraordinary someday. That’s not to say I didn’t have an idea of what I wanted. I had a nice, neat little plan to first earn a sizable amount of money with a business from home, then get married, then have kids. More than anything, I always wanted to be a stay-at-home, entrepreneurial dad so I could be an active part of the lives of my children … but I was in no hurry. I mean—after all—why rush?

And then … Ka-pow! I got a wake-up call. The company I worked with went bankrupt after I had invested more than a year into it. And in January 2005 I got the news that my girlfriend was pregnant. We had taken precautions and talked about the “what ifs”—so I couldn’t believe it was happening. I was stunned and reacted accordingly—badly—as I resisted the reality of the situation. This was not the plan I had laid out for my life and certainly not the way I wanted to bring a child into the world. I wasn’t ready, and there was nothing I could do about it. I was angry, hurt and—most of all—felt totally powerless.

On August 22, 2005, I was in the delivery room to watch my son, Dylan, enter the world. I kept thinking, “Wow—I’m a dad!” It was sobering and deeply moving … yet I was still scared and worried. I needed more time to prepare for this, I thought, to find my way in life, establish a home, and a home-based business. It wasn’t going according to plan. Or was it?

During the first year of being a father, I went through a serious adjustment period. I think most fathers do. I continued to build a very special bond with my son, but the relationship with his mother ended.

The ending of the relationship with my girlfriend in the first year of my son’s life was a major blow. She wasn’t just someone I had dated for awhile. She was my best friend and the mother of my son. We had a serious connection that had lasted for quite some time, on and off, since college. So I was in a daze, shellshocked, wondering what had happened and why. All the while, I was also wondering what I was going to do about my son so I could be fully involved in his life. We seemed to be working it out though, sharing the caregiver roles between us on a pretty friendly basis.

And then … another Ka-pow! In June 2006 I received court papers from an attorney representing my son’s mother. The papers asked for sole custody for the mother with very limited and restricted time for me with my son. Suddenly, I realized it was a whole new ball game. I went into resistance again, after the first shockwave…and then I began to see the bigger picture. It was a gradual awakening as I was being drawn into a legal system that dictates whether a dad can or cannot spend time with his own child. I began to recognize this drama as an opportunity to effect change, from within a system that is in dire need of change, with respect to the rights of single fathers. I’m not any kind of activist, but I went to Web sites for information and advice from other fathers, and discovered a very angry and resentful group of men who had suffered the loss of their children and other rights as a result of a very slanted court system.

My own parents were also surprised at how slanted the courts are with respect to single dads. Sure, there are some “deadbeat dads” out there … just as there are some unfit mothers. Sadly, though, it is automatically assumed by our current court system that a mother should be the primary caregiver while fathers are often relegated to the role of a “babysitter”—lumped in with day care workers and preschools. In a case like mine, in which the mother and I were never married, there were huge hurdles to jump over in order to establish my rights as a dad.

So I quietly refused to accept any assumptions or labels that suggested I was any less capable, responsible, or loving than my son’s mother. It was never my desire to restrict her time with him or to suggest in any way that she was anything less than a great mom. I followed the example of Mother Teresa who, when asked if she would march against the war, replied that no, she would not—but she would march in favor of peace. I decided to befor something … in this case, peace and equal parenting rights.

I discovered how perfectly—and quickly—the Law of Attraction responds to what we put out. Whenever I found myself focusing on the negative aspects of the situation, I would attract more of it. When I focused on the good, I attracted more of it. So I made a concerted effort to give my whole and entire attention to one thing and one thing only … gaining the maximum time possible with my son without violating or limiting his mother’s rights in the process.

It wasn’t easy, but I can tell you that I grew in the process. I had to remind myself time and time again to take the high road despite letters full of untruths and personal insults from the opposing attorney in her attempts to discredit me and limit my parental rights. Rather than engage in the legal rhetoric and offense/defense games, I quietly affirmed over and over again gratitude that my son has a good mother—a woman who loves him and provides good, dependable care. Being grateful was the key.

During some of the most challenging times, I had the benefit of coaching from a man I am fortunate to have as a personal friend and mentor, Bob Proctor. He coined a perfectly appropriate phrase that I repeated many times each day: “The main thing is to keep the main thing the main thing.”My son, Dylan, was—and is—the main thing. So I applied the principles from the now-famous DVD, The Secret, and followed the advice of Bob Proctor. Despite the circumstances around me, I continually visualized my desired outcome—a peaceful coexistence with my ex-girlfriend, with the security and happiness of our son as the first priority.

A hugely defining moment occurred one day in February 2007 when Bob Proctor asked me to drive him to the airport for a return flight to Toronto. He invited me to join him for lunch, and we talked for about an hour. It was a very long hour and the best hour I have ever spent with anyone. He challenged me from every angle … he questioned my goals and aspirations and what I said I wanted. Most of all, he challenged me to be honest with myself about what I’m willing to do in order to have the life I want … including that of being an entrepreneurial, stay-at-home dad fully engaged in the day-to-day raising of my son.

I got very clear about what I wanted and began holding that image as I petitioned the court for joint custody. A fragile peace is now growing between us all. It’s still a work in process, but the lights of awareness are on full beam, and the “main thing” has grown to include helping single dads in similar situations. My message to single dads who sincerely want to be part of their children’s lives was best stated by Winston Churchill when he said: “Never, never, never give up!” Be persistent in your efforts—and back your words with your actions. Come from a place of love and commitment to your child … and keep the main thing the main thing.

Today I enjoy 50/50 custody and an unprecedented amount of parenting time—quite unusual for a dad with a child under the age of two years old! What’s more, I can feel great knowing that my time with him doesn’t limit or violate the rights of his mother—because most of the time I spend with him is during the weekdays when she is working, so she wouldn’t be with him at those times anyway. It really is a win-win scenario for both of us—and especially for our son.

I’ve been blessed to enjoy the stay-at-home dad arrangement I so desired, and visualized, as a result of the flexibility of my work with LifeSuccess Productions.

The Law of Attraction brought all this about with one stroke—with the “untimely” conception of a beautiful boy between two young people who each had much to learn and much to gain from an experience that might otherwise appear on the surface to be a disaster. By embracing it as a gift of love and learning, we are all growing and enjoying life with this beautiful little boy we call The Love Man—Dylan Paul Gates.