By Dr. Joe Rubino.
Studies show that high self-esteem is the #1 ingredient essential
for developing happiness, fulfillment, rich relationships, and
overall success in life. In the life of every child, usually
sometime between birth and age 6, something happens to have the
child doubt him or herself. Someone says or does something that has
the child believe that he or she is flawed, unlovable, not worthy,
imperfect.
This initial stressful incident is the first real realization that
the child is not perfect and fails to measure up to society's
standards in some important way. The initial upset can be one of
two types. The first assault could be an unkind word from a peer or
authority figure, a spanking, an insult, an argument, a bullying or
name calling episode. It could occur as a direct result of
something the child said or did that provoked an attack on his or
her sense of worthiness or ability to fit in.
The second type of self-esteem diminishing episode can be as a
result of the child misinterpreting someone's words or actions to
mean that the child is flawed, unlovable, or defective in some way.
In such a case, no insult or demeaning connotation was intended.
The facts were that someone said or did something. The child
mistakenly made up that there was something wrong with him or her
as a result of what was said or done.
Daily, there are hundreds of opportunities for a child to
misinterpret life in a way that tarnishes their self-image over the
long term. A common example of such a misinterpretation can be when
parents get divorced. What happened was the adults fell out of love
or realized that they wanted to separate. What the child made up
was that if he had only been a better boy and did a better job
cleaning his room, or picking up his toys, mom and dad wouldn't
have fought so much and would still be together. The child may make
up that he is bad and people leave him because of this.
Another example of this faulty reasoning might be an episode where
the parents drop off a child for a week with a relative. Perhaps
they feel they need a vacation or might need to tend to some
business matter and decide that it would be easier for the child to
be minded by a sitter. The child makes up that his parents don't
love him and that people want to get rid of him. With this sort of
tendency toward faulty interpretation, there are literally
thousands of opportunities for the child to attach a meaning to the
situation that begins the process of eroding self-esteem.
The process of diminished self-esteem does not stop at such an
initial decision regarding the child's value. The child, armed with
the belief that she is not good enough, now scans for additional
situations that may serve as more evidence to reinforce this
initial thought of being flawed. During such potentially upsetting
events, the child reinforces this idea of unworthiness by further
interpreting life events to prove the fact that she is defective.
After years of accumulating such evidence, their self-image
deteriorates further with every episode. Before long, there is no
doubt in the person's mind that there is something wrong with them.
After all, they have created a self-fulfilling prophesy to cement
this belief firmly in their self-perception.
Parents can do much to support their children to feel good about
themselves and to champion their child's self-image. They can
continually reinforce the concept that no one is perfect and all
one can do is their best. They can be a source of unconditional
love, supporting the child at every opportunity and encouraging
them to see themselves as worthy of affection, abundance, love, and
trust. They can make sure that the child understands that they, as
parents, might not always agree with the child's behavior. However,
they can continually reinforce that the child is NOT their
behavior. Everyone makes mistakes and life is a process of learning
and growing. No matter what mistakes the child makes, he or she
must realize that they are always inherently good, lovable, and
worthy.
Parents can continually reinforce that they love their children
unconditionally. Children need to realize that even when they make
mistakes and parents do not approve of their behavior, this does
not affect their love for them or their sense of value. Children
will benefit from knowing that they are loved for who they are, not
just what they do.
Parents can speak respectfully to their children, reassuring them
of their competence, capability, and inherent value. They can
empower them to make their own choices whenever possible, fostering
their belief in their own ability to make wise decisions and learn
from any mistakes. They can give them responsibilities that nurture
their self-confidence and belief in their abilities. Whether that
looks like making their bed, helping with household chores, or
selecting their favorite juice at the grocery store, each can serve
as an opportunity for the child to grow in self-confidence.
Parents can consistently acknowledge their children for worthwhile
qualities they see in them. They can get into the habit of finding
something good about them every day and pointing it out. Parents
can support their children to see what might be missing for them to
be more effective with other people or in accomplishing their
goals. Rather than focusing on their weakness and faults, they can
empower their strengths and communicate that everyone has unique
talents and gifts that make them special. They can support children
to identify their passions and pursue their special interests and
develop their gifts.
Parents can teach their children to interpret life with empathy.
They can support them to imagine what it is like in another
person's world so they can better understand why people do the
things they do. They can support their children to not take the
reactions of others personally. When children realize that no one
else can make them angry, sad or afraid, only they themselves can,
they learn to not be reactive and easily provoked by others'
issues. Parents can teach their children to forgive themselves for
mistakes they make. They can teach them the value of cleaning up
any mistakes by speaking and acting responsibly. They can also
teach them to forgive others, knowing that they are doing the best
they can based upon how they see the world. This does not mean that
we condone bad behavior. It means that we can better understand why
others do hurtful things at times and separate out that they do
them rather than interpreting that they do them TO us.
Parents can teach their children to have gratitude for their
blessings in life. They can teach them that the world is an endless
source of abundance for those who believe in themselves and their
ability to attract good things. They can teach them to expect
success, happiness, rich relationships, and abundance. They can
also teach them to play full out for what they want, committed to
their goals with a vision of success without being attached to any
result.
Many mistakenly confuse high self-esteem with ego. It is important
to distinguish between fostering high self-esteem in children, as
opposed to creating ego-maniacs obsessed with themselves at the
expense of others. High overall self-esteem means being competent
and capable of producing a result in every area of life. This
includes being effective in our relationships and in our
communication with others with an appreciation for what it is like
in the world of other people. Those who care only about themselves
with no concern for others do not, by my definition, possess high
self-esteem.
It would serve parents to commit to themselves being perpetual
students of personal development, knowing that their children will
model their actions and their approach to life. It is with such an
energy of respect, love, and acceptance that children will receive
the tools they'll need to grow into self-actualized, happy, and
self-assured adults possessing high self-esteem.
Studies show that high self-esteem is the #1 ingredient essential
for developing happiness, fulfillment, rich relationships, and
overall success in life. In the life of every child, usually
sometime between birth and age 6, something happens to have the
child doubt him or herself. Someone says or does something that has
the child believe that he or she is flawed, unlovable, not worthy,
imperfect.
This initial stressful incident is the first real realization that
the child is not perfect and fails to measure up to society's
standards in some important way. The initial upset can be one of
two types. The first assault could be an unkind word from a peer or
authority figure, a spanking, an insult, an argument, a bullying or
name calling episode. It could occur as a direct result of
something the child said or did that provoked an attack on his or
her sense of worthiness or ability to fit in.
The second type of self-esteem diminishing episode can be as a
result of the child misinterpreting someone's words or actions to
mean that the child is flawed, unlovable, or defective in some way.
In such a case, no insult or demeaning connotation was intended.
The facts were that someone said or did something. The child
mistakenly made up that there was something wrong with him or her
as a result of what was said or done.
Daily, there are hundreds of opportunities for a child to
misinterpret life in a way that tarnishes their self-image over the
long term. A common example of such a misinterpretation can be when
parents get divorced. What happened was the adults fell out of love
or realized that they wanted to separate. What the child made up
was that if he had only been a better boy and did a better job
cleaning his room, or picking up his toys, mom and dad wouldn't
have fought so much and would still be together. The child may make
up that he is bad and people leave him because of this.
Another example of this faulty reasoning might be an episode where
the parents drop off a child for a week with a relative. Perhaps
they feel they need a vacation or might need to tend to some
business matter and decide that it would be easier for the child to
be minded by a sitter. The child makes up that his parents don't
love him and that people want to get rid of him. With this sort of
tendency toward faulty interpretation, there are literally
thousands of opportunities for the child to attach a meaning to the
situation that begins the process of eroding self-esteem.
The process of diminished self-esteem does not stop at such an
initial decision regarding the child's value. The child, armed with
the belief that she is not good enough, now scans for additional
situations that may serve as more evidence to reinforce this
initial thought of being flawed. During such potentially upsetting
events, the child reinforces this idea of unworthiness by further
interpreting life events to prove the fact that she is defective.
After years of accumulating such evidence, their self-image
deteriorates further with every episode. Before long, there is no
doubt in the person's mind that there is something wrong with them.
After all, they have created a self-fulfilling prophesy to cement
this belief firmly in their self-perception.
Parents can do much to support their children to feel good about
themselves and to champion their child's self-image. They can
continually reinforce the concept that no one is perfect and all
one can do is their best. They can be a source of unconditional
love, supporting the child at every opportunity and encouraging
them to see themselves as worthy of affection, abundance, love, and
trust. They can make sure that the child understands that they, as
parents, might not always agree with the child's behavior. However,
they can continually reinforce that the child is NOT their
behavior. Everyone makes mistakes and life is a process of learning
and growing. No matter what mistakes the child makes, he or she
must realize that they are always inherently good, lovable, and
worthy.
Parents can continually reinforce that they love their children
unconditionally. Children need to realize that even when they make
mistakes and parents do not approve of their behavior, this does
not affect their love for them or their sense of value. Children
will benefit from knowing that they are loved for who they are, not
just what they do.
Parents can speak respectfully to their children, reassuring them
of their competence, capability, and inherent value. They can
empower them to make their own choices whenever possible, fostering
their belief in their own ability to make wise decisions and learn
from any mistakes. They can give them responsibilities that nurture
their self-confidence and belief in their abilities. Whether that
looks like making their bed, helping with household chores, or
selecting their favorite juice at the grocery store, each can serve
as an opportunity for the child to grow in self-confidence.
Parents can consistently acknowledge their children for worthwhile
qualities they see in them. They can get into the habit of finding
something good about them every day and pointing it out. Parents
can support their children to see what might be missing for them to
be more effective with other people or in accomplishing their
goals. Rather than focusing on their weakness and faults, they can
empower their strengths and communicate that everyone has unique
talents and gifts that make them special. They can support children
to identify their passions and pursue their special interests and
develop their gifts.
Parents can teach their children to interpret life with empathy.
They can support them to imagine what it is like in another
person's world so they can better understand why people do the
things they do. They can support their children to not take the
reactions of others personally. When children realize that no one
else can make them angry, sad or afraid, only they themselves can,
they learn to not be reactive and easily provoked by others'
issues. Parents can teach their children to forgive themselves for
mistakes they make. They can teach them the value of cleaning up
any mistakes by speaking and acting responsibly. They can also
teach them to forgive others, knowing that they are doing the best
they can based upon how they see the world. This does not mean that
we condone bad behavior. It means that we can better understand why
others do hurtful things at times and separate out that they do
them rather than interpreting that they do them TO us.
Parents can teach their children to have gratitude for their
blessings in life. They can teach them that the world is an endless
source of abundance for those who believe in themselves and their
ability to attract good things. They can teach them to expect
success, happiness, rich relationships, and abundance. They can
also teach them to play full out for what they want, committed to
their goals with a vision of success without being attached to any
result.
Many mistakenly confuse high self-esteem with ego. It is important
to distinguish between fostering high self-esteem in children, as
opposed to creating ego-maniacs obsessed with themselves at the
expense of others. High overall self-esteem means being competent
and capable of producing a result in every area of life. This
includes being effective in our relationships and in our
communication with others with an appreciation for what it is like
in the world of other people. Those who care only about themselves
with no concern for others do not, by my definition, possess high
self-esteem.
It would serve parents to commit to themselves being perpetual
students of personal development, knowing that their children will
model their actions and their approach to life. It is with such an
energy of respect, love, and acceptance that children will receive
the tools they'll need to grow into self-actualized, happy, and
self-assured adults possessing high self-esteem.
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