We all get "stung" by people we care about. We get hurt. And it can cause us to want to close off, disconnect, and stay away from people. We question whether or not we can or should ever love again.
Often if we are hurt by somebody close to us, we want to disconnect from everybody. It doesn't always happen this way, but it certainly does seem to be that way a lot.
While driving last week, I wondered why...
Why is it that being stung by one person causes us to withdraw from other people?
Why can't we just say "Yeah that person hurt us. But other people are still safe to connect with"?
Interesting questions. In my case, they're not just interesting. They're highly relevant to my situation in life.
Without going into a lot of details right now, I will share that I have been experiencing a lot of emotional pain lately. My present life circumstances are painful. And these present-day painful experiences are also triggering me to re-experience emotional pain from my past. I'm getting a "double whammy" of pain.
When I feel into that pain, what I notice is that I tend to withdraw from a lot of people. It's unconscious. But it took a 6-month old girl to show me what I needed to see.
My heart is hurting and there was a little 6-month old girl smiling at me, reaching at me, asking me to hold her and love her.
And I felt cold. Disconnected. Uninterested.
Rather than "believe" my feelings as being how things are, I asked a different question:
"Why is it that my pain from a totally unrelated experience causes me to not want to pick her up?"
A lot of people run from pain. They fear it. Subconsciously, experiencing emotional pain is the equivalent of dying. That's how I used to live my life... running from the pain. Covering it over by "going out and having fun." Doing whatever it took to "stay positive."
But that's not a full existence. That's denial of reality. That's denial of who I am as a total human being, happy and sad, angry and friendly, hateful and loving... the entire gambit of experiences I have as a person on this planet.
And so rather than run from this "menacing" (aka beautiful and loving) six-month old girl, I felt into the emotional pain I was experiencing. I questioned why my pain kept me from loving a baby who was a pure expression of unconditional love.
What I experienced was profound for me.
When I am in emotional pain, each relationship that is full and heartful is an immediate reminder of the inner experience that "I can't have what I want."
We might not always consciously equate pain immediately with wants. But every time we feel emotional pain it's because we're not getting something we want. We expect and WANT reality to be a certain way. We feel pain when it turns out differently.
This can be any kind of experience.
Maybe it's the pain of driving across town to a favorite restaurant, only for it to be closed.
Or perhaps it's the pain of a friend hurting us when all we wanted is to feel connected.
Then there's the more obvious close and intimate relationships that have conflict, difficulty, or even that end... when we just wanted to be closer.
In the extreme, there's the death of a loved one who we wanted to stay in our lives forever.
So when I feel hurt, I recognize that it's because I "want" something I can't have. Usually it's some experience or expression of love.
Therefore, when I am hurting and in connection with an expression of compassion and love, that contrast is a clear reminder that I can't have what I want. I'm subconsciously reminded of my pain. Then I disconnect and distance myself from others.
Fortunately, the other day there was a little six-month old girl smiling up at me, melting my heart, and challenging me to love more fully. The beauty is that she didn't do it by trying to teach me. She didn't want me to love her better. She didn't want me to love her more. She wasn't trying to make me smile.
This little baby was a pure expression of unconditional love who casts a bright light... which serves as a bright light on the shadow of my pain.
Often if we are hurt by somebody close to us, we want to disconnect from everybody. It doesn't always happen this way, but it certainly does seem to be that way a lot.
While driving last week, I wondered why...
Why is it that being stung by one person causes us to withdraw from other people?
Why can't we just say "Yeah that person hurt us. But other people are still safe to connect with"?
Interesting questions. In my case, they're not just interesting. They're highly relevant to my situation in life.
Without going into a lot of details right now, I will share that I have been experiencing a lot of emotional pain lately. My present life circumstances are painful. And these present-day painful experiences are also triggering me to re-experience emotional pain from my past. I'm getting a "double whammy" of pain.
When I feel into that pain, what I notice is that I tend to withdraw from a lot of people. It's unconscious. But it took a 6-month old girl to show me what I needed to see.
My heart is hurting and there was a little 6-month old girl smiling at me, reaching at me, asking me to hold her and love her.
And I felt cold. Disconnected. Uninterested.
Rather than "believe" my feelings as being how things are, I asked a different question:
"Why is it that my pain from a totally unrelated experience causes me to not want to pick her up?"
A lot of people run from pain. They fear it. Subconsciously, experiencing emotional pain is the equivalent of dying. That's how I used to live my life... running from the pain. Covering it over by "going out and having fun." Doing whatever it took to "stay positive."
But that's not a full existence. That's denial of reality. That's denial of who I am as a total human being, happy and sad, angry and friendly, hateful and loving... the entire gambit of experiences I have as a person on this planet.
And so rather than run from this "menacing" (aka beautiful and loving) six-month old girl, I felt into the emotional pain I was experiencing. I questioned why my pain kept me from loving a baby who was a pure expression of unconditional love.
What I experienced was profound for me.
When I am in emotional pain, each relationship that is full and heartful is an immediate reminder of the inner experience that "I can't have what I want."
We might not always consciously equate pain immediately with wants. But every time we feel emotional pain it's because we're not getting something we want. We expect and WANT reality to be a certain way. We feel pain when it turns out differently.
This can be any kind of experience.
Maybe it's the pain of driving across town to a favorite restaurant, only for it to be closed.
Or perhaps it's the pain of a friend hurting us when all we wanted is to feel connected.
Then there's the more obvious close and intimate relationships that have conflict, difficulty, or even that end... when we just wanted to be closer.
In the extreme, there's the death of a loved one who we wanted to stay in our lives forever.
So when I feel hurt, I recognize that it's because I "want" something I can't have. Usually it's some experience or expression of love.
Therefore, when I am hurting and in connection with an expression of compassion and love, that contrast is a clear reminder that I can't have what I want. I'm subconsciously reminded of my pain. Then I disconnect and distance myself from others.
Fortunately, the other day there was a little six-month old girl smiling up at me, melting my heart, and challenging me to love more fully. The beauty is that she didn't do it by trying to teach me. She didn't want me to love her better. She didn't want me to love her more. She wasn't trying to make me smile.
This little baby was a pure expression of unconditional love who casts a bright light... which serves as a bright light on the shadow of my pain.
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