Are You the Drama Mama or the Role Model?

By Carmen Honacker

Birds of a Feather, Flock Together

We are all a product of our childhood, parents and environment. Whatever we learn from those around us tends to be what we pass on to others. We all do what we think is best, even though our understanding of what is best and our tools to execute or manifest the best might be severely distorted or completely lacking. Great examples are overbearing parents who think they are protecting their child by hovering over them and not granting them any freedom to grow or make their own decisions; another example would be severely abused people who go out and rescue other broken people, even though the objects of their help are completely uninterested in receiving it.
The problem is not only that broken people attract other broken people, but that they continue the cycle of dysfunction. If neither one in a relationship has the tools to properly function the proverbial s*** ends up hitting the fan sooner or later. Entwined in a perfect dance of pushing each other’s buttons and triggering each other’s responses, they perpetuate their brokenness; until one finally runs or seriously gets hurt, either emotionally or physically. The cycle is complete when they have children and pass their broken coping mechanisms on to their offspring.
Very few are generally willing or able to break the cycle. After all, it’s all they know, no matter how crazy their life might be. Human beings are odd creatures, as they generally don’t seem to learn from their mistakes. Very few people are open to fixing themselves; and usually they have to hit some rock bottom or there have to be such dire consequences to their behaviors that they are forced to learn. But then, if you take a look at addiction, even the direst consequences don’t get through to everybody. “Broken” is a way of being and after a while it is is the only way one knows how to be. And lots of people tend to compare themselves to their parents and operate under the misconception that they are OK, as long as they are not as crazy as their parents were/are. To most, less dysfunctional equals not dysfunctional at all. If they can cope in an every day job, the illusions of normalcy becomes even bigger.
I, too, used to dance the cycle of dysfunction and insanity; sometimes more and sometimes less. But to some degree, I was always aware of it and hence, never had children. The fear of not being able to be a proper role model and to potentially make another pay for my potentially poor choices was overwhelming; and in the end it won when I decided to not put a child into this world.
Taking a long hard look at my immediate family drives my point home. The relationships they have, the way they deal with conflict, hardships and problems is terrifying to me. The fact that they keep attracting the same because none of them ever learn or change is also scary. They walk under the grand story of “our family never has any luck;” then they turn around and engage in another dysfunctional relationship. And like anything behavioral oriented, they keep going round and round, until the day they die; filled with regret and bitterness.
Our society teaches us that we are victims. There are too few enlightened or even reasonably intelligent people out there who speak their mind, publically. Hence, the cycles of craziness, dysfunction, blame, fear and hate mongering continues. Most are buying into it and very few question the validity of it all.
We are all masters of our own destiny. We are the creators of our own universe; regardless of what shit hole we may have emerged from. No matter if we were abused, forgotten, ignored, smothered or driven insane by others, we can still make a choice and walk away. Our past never has to equal our future! We can choose to be sheep and continue the cycle, or we can choose to take responsibility, be courageous and break it. It always is our choice, no matter what anyone may try to tell us. And it’s important to break the cycle, for as long as we are broken, all we will attract and create is more of the same