By Coach Tom Dozier
Non-compliance is a very upsetting child behavior. One skill that
you can use to directly address non-compliance is to have the child
repeat the expectation. This has an almost magical effect on your
child's behavior. I was in a school hallway, and there were 7 second
graders milling around. The teacher walked through and said, "Kids,
go on outside. You are supposed to be at recess." She walked into
her classroom, and I watched the kids.
They were unaffected by being told (nicely) what to do. So I
decided to try the Immediate Expectation tool. I said, "Kids, where
does your teacher expect you to be right now?" They looked at me and
one said, "Outside at recess." I said, "That is exactly right. Thank
you!" I paused, and stood there, and the kids turned and walked outside.
So I said, "Thank you. That's great." (this provided a positive response
to their appropriate behavior).
Instead of telling a children what to do, ask them. If the child
says it, it greatly increases the probability he will do it. This is
true for kids of all ages. Often a child will protest instead of
answering the question, "But I hate homework." Stay calm. Listen
to the feeling and respond with empathy. "I know you don't like
homework. That is pretty normal, but what do I expect you to do
right now?" The child will protest 2 or 3 times, but 97% of the time
the child will tell you what he is expected to do.
Once the child tells you what is expected, it is very important
that you give a strong positive response like, "Thank you, that is
correct." Next, give the child a few seconds (or minutes if the
child is angry). Give the child time to start meeting the expectation.
Once the child starts meeting the expectation, be sure and provide a
positive response to the behavior.
A mom attended a parenting seminar I gave at the local community
college, and returned home to find her husband and 5 year old daughter
yelling at each other about the daughter going to bed. This had been
going on for 20 minutes, and the husband threw up his hands and said,
"She is all yours!"
This very predictable conversation then played out. Predictable,
that is,as long as the mom remains calm, and uses expectations rather
than orders...
Mom, "Dear, what are you supposed to be doing right now?"
Daughter, "Getting ready for bed."
Mom, "That's right, honey. And what 4 things do you do to get
ready for bed?
Daughter, "Put on my jamies, brush my teeth, brush my hair and give
hugs and kisses."
Mom, "Very good answer."
Daughter, "But I don't want to wear my jamies, I want to wear my
undies!"
Mom, "That is fine, so after you take your clothes off, what will you
do next?"
Daughter, "Brush my teeth."
Mom, "OK dear, are you ready to show me that now."
Daugther, "Ok Mommie." (and the daughter went off and got ready
for bed).
It is normal for the child to protest 2 or 3 times before stating the
expectation. Respond to protests by being understanding, and state
the child's feeling, then ask what is expected, like this.
Mom, "Dear, what are you supposed to be doing right now?"
Daughter, "I don't want to go to bed, I'm not sleepy."
Mom, "I can see you are still wide awake, but what do I expect you
to do right now?"
Daughter, "I want to stay up and play. I didn't get to play with
my dolls today!"
Mom, "I know you love to play with your dolls, but even so, what do
I expect you to do right now?"
Daughter, "I hate going to bed. It is no fun."
Mom, "Honey, I know there are lots of fun things you would rather
do, but what do I expect you to do right now?"
Daughter, "Get ready for bed."
Mom, "That's right, honey. Thank you. And what 4 things do
you..." (see above).
If the child protests a 4th time (unless you can tell she is about to
cooperate), just state the expectation, and turn away, like this.
Mom, "I'm sorry this is difficult for you, but I am glad you
understand that I expect you to be get ready for bed."
Daughter, "But I'm not going to bed" (maybe yelled as Mom is
walking away). - or - Mom, "Daddy (or to another child), What do I
expect Sarah to do right now." Daddy, "Get ready for bed."
Mom, "That is exactly right. Thank you very much." (then mom and
dad walk away).
Once the desired behavior starts, mom or dad needs to be positive
and say something nice and brief like, "Thanks".
:)
Non-compliance is a very upsetting child behavior. One skill that
you can use to directly address non-compliance is to have the child
repeat the expectation. This has an almost magical effect on your
child's behavior. I was in a school hallway, and there were 7 second
graders milling around. The teacher walked through and said, "Kids,
go on outside. You are supposed to be at recess." She walked into
her classroom, and I watched the kids.
They were unaffected by being told (nicely) what to do. So I
decided to try the Immediate Expectation tool. I said, "Kids, where
does your teacher expect you to be right now?" They looked at me and
one said, "Outside at recess." I said, "That is exactly right. Thank
you!" I paused, and stood there, and the kids turned and walked outside.
So I said, "Thank you. That's great." (this provided a positive response
to their appropriate behavior).
Instead of telling a children what to do, ask them. If the child
says it, it greatly increases the probability he will do it. This is
true for kids of all ages. Often a child will protest instead of
answering the question, "But I hate homework." Stay calm. Listen
to the feeling and respond with empathy. "I know you don't like
homework. That is pretty normal, but what do I expect you to do
right now?" The child will protest 2 or 3 times, but 97% of the time
the child will tell you what he is expected to do.
Once the child tells you what is expected, it is very important
that you give a strong positive response like, "Thank you, that is
correct." Next, give the child a few seconds (or minutes if the
child is angry). Give the child time to start meeting the expectation.
Once the child starts meeting the expectation, be sure and provide a
positive response to the behavior.
A mom attended a parenting seminar I gave at the local community
college, and returned home to find her husband and 5 year old daughter
yelling at each other about the daughter going to bed. This had been
going on for 20 minutes, and the husband threw up his hands and said,
"She is all yours!"
This very predictable conversation then played out. Predictable,
that is,as long as the mom remains calm, and uses expectations rather
than orders...
Mom, "Dear, what are you supposed to be doing right now?"
Daughter, "Getting ready for bed."
Mom, "That's right, honey. And what 4 things do you do to get
ready for bed?
Daughter, "Put on my jamies, brush my teeth, brush my hair and give
hugs and kisses."
Mom, "Very good answer."
Daughter, "But I don't want to wear my jamies, I want to wear my
undies!"
Mom, "That is fine, so after you take your clothes off, what will you
do next?"
Daughter, "Brush my teeth."
Mom, "OK dear, are you ready to show me that now."
Daugther, "Ok Mommie." (and the daughter went off and got ready
for bed).
It is normal for the child to protest 2 or 3 times before stating the
expectation. Respond to protests by being understanding, and state
the child's feeling, then ask what is expected, like this.
Mom, "Dear, what are you supposed to be doing right now?"
Daughter, "I don't want to go to bed, I'm not sleepy."
Mom, "I can see you are still wide awake, but what do I expect you
to do right now?"
Daughter, "I want to stay up and play. I didn't get to play with
my dolls today!"
Mom, "I know you love to play with your dolls, but even so, what do
I expect you to do right now?"
Daughter, "I hate going to bed. It is no fun."
Mom, "Honey, I know there are lots of fun things you would rather
do, but what do I expect you to do right now?"
Daughter, "Get ready for bed."
Mom, "That's right, honey. Thank you. And what 4 things do
you..." (see above).
If the child protests a 4th time (unless you can tell she is about to
cooperate), just state the expectation, and turn away, like this.
Mom, "I'm sorry this is difficult for you, but I am glad you
understand that I expect you to be get ready for bed."
Daughter, "But I'm not going to bed" (maybe yelled as Mom is
walking away). - or - Mom, "Daddy (or to another child), What do I
expect Sarah to do right now." Daddy, "Get ready for bed."
Mom, "That is exactly right. Thank you very much." (then mom and
dad walk away).
Once the desired behavior starts, mom or dad needs to be positive
and say something nice and brief like, "Thanks".
:)
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